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Find Your Inner Bumblebee!

August 17, 2007 by Nicole 42 Comments

Nicole’s Inner Bumblebee

Like most of you, I read a lot of food blogs. It’s getting to the point now where you can find out just about anything you need to know about any kind of food just by searching food blogs alone.

But I’ve also come to realize that there are a lot of great blogs out there that have nothing to do with food. In fact, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the sheer amount of good, entertaining writing floating around, free for the taking, on the web (I will get to the bumble bee part soon!).

So how do I figure out what to read? It’s simple. I tend to return to blogs where I have developed some kind of relationship with the writer. It’s when I start to feel that I know someone on a personal level that I become interested in what they have to say, day to day, week to week. So whether the dialogue starts through blog comments, e-mail, IM, telephone, or even in person (as has been the case lately), it’s the dialogue that keeps me coming back.

So, as I was saying, I am a loyal reader of a few non-food blogs (yes, I divide the millions of blogs out into only two categories: food blogs and the others) and the other day I read something on a friend’s blog that stopped me in my tracks.

The post, from Emon at Emonome is called “Finding Other Bumblebees” and it broaches the well-traveled subject of learning to be yourself. It’s been said a million times in a million different ways. Learn to be yourself. Don’t worry about what the others think. Do your own thing. You have to learn to love yourself before you can find true love. But Emon’s post hit me like a ton of bricks.

You see, his post was inspired by Blind Melon’s “No Rain” video. You remember that video, right? The one with the awkward little girl in the bumble bee costume. If, at this point, you have no idea what I’m talking about, go to Emon’s post and watch the video before reading any further.

Back now? Good. Now that we’re all on the same page, I’ll tell you why that post and that video have been running through my head for the past three days. Everyone loved that video when it came out all those years ago. But one person in particular really loved that video. And that person was my mom.

My mom loved that video. My mom was that video. My mom was the only person I know who could wear that bumble bee costume when everyone else in the world was wearing something different.

This was her costume: 501 jeans and Birkenstocks (before they were cool); long straight hair and no make-up; neon-colored sunglasses (free from Carl’s Jr.) and Fresno Grizzlies t-shirts; a purse large enough to smuggle super big gulps into movie theaters; clog-dancing in the supermarket; Pearl Jam concerts; howling at the full moon; baseball games and sign language classes; blues festivals and art films.

That was my mom. That was K. She did what she wanted, she wore what she wanted, and people loved her. My mom was killed by a drunk driver almost 10 years ago. My sister and I were both in college, searching for own inner bumble bees. And I never had a chance to ask her how she found the courage to be herself.

It does take courage to be yourself, more courage than any self-help book will ever tell you. I’ve struggled my whole life trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be. And right in the middle of figuring it all out, my world came crashing down around me. I survived, as we all do after the death of a loved one. But when I re-emerged , I was missing some parts. We all were.

I had to start my search over, from scratch. Except this time around, without my mom as a role model, I was asking the wrong questions: Who should I be? What do others want me to be? I didn’t realize that this change had taken place. It no longer even occurred to me that I already was the person I wanted to be or that I was already doing the things I should have be doing. But that’s changing now.

Those of you have visited Pinch My Salt in the last couple of weeks know that I am now in central California visiting my family.

Coming home to California is always difficult. My mom’s house was my home. Every night I have stayed at my dad’s house, my grandmother’s house, my aunt’s house, my cousin’s house, or my friend’s house has just been a reminder that I can no longer go home. As much as I love my family, as much as they try to make my sister and I feel at home, it will never be the same.

I have been searching for a home for the past 9 years. Searching for that place where I can feel completely comfortable, where I can be myself, where I don’t have to worry about anyone or anything. Where I can just be. What I didn’t realize is that I need to find that place within myself.

It isn’t my mom’s house that I’ve been missing. It’s the feeling I had when I was around her. The feeling that I can do whatever I want and be whoever I want and who cares what the rest of the world thinks. I was taught to believe these things by both of my parents. But I lost sight of it.

Emon’s bumble bee post happened to come at the right time. If I had been in Sicily when I read it, the impact wouldn’t have been the same. I am in the right place to find my inner bumble bee. I am home.

Now, about that photo! I wasn’t the only one who was affected by the bumble bee post. JD over at FourBux was inspired not only to find his inner bumble bee but to draw it. And this in turn encouraged others to follow suit. So we now have a little community of bumble bees that seems to be growing bigger.

My bumble bee photo was something silly I did to contribute to this growing bumble bee community, but the photo was also inspired in part by Genie from The Inadvertent Gardener, whose Taking a Dare post helped me get over the fear of putting a huge photo of my face on the front page of my blog!

But most importantly, this silly bumble bee photo is a symbol of me coming to terms with some pretty important things. I am the person I want to be. I am doing the things I want to do and therefore these are the things I should be doing. And as scary as it is, I am going to accept myself for who I am and just go for it!

Nicole’s Inner Bumblebee

Thanks for listening and remember, It’s OK to Bee yourself! (sorry, couldn’t resist)

Update: I just happened to run across some other bee photos at one of my favorite food blogs, La Tartine Gourmande. I must admit, they are much more beautiful than mine 🙂

Filed Under: Miscellaneous, Recommendations

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Genie says

    August 17, 2007 at 8:40 pm

    Nicole, I am so proud of you (even if I mostly only know you from your blog) -- you're beautiful and talented and absolutely courageous. It's never too late to embrace that self-acceptance and spit in the eye of fear. Rock on, chica. I applaud you from flyover country.
    Reply
  2. erik says

    August 17, 2007 at 8:50 pm

    wonderful post, and even though i just "met" you i think this is great and i av=m very glad for you... i rarely go back to where i grew up, some 3,000 miles away, because this is my home... i live in california now, grew up in a small coal town south of pittsburgh, pa., and my children are here my new family is here, and this is my home. let me be the first to welcome you home again... ;) ...and yes, i teared up a little.
    Reply
  3. dani says

    August 17, 2007 at 9:40 pm

    Oh Nicole...I love you're post! I don't think there is a person out there that can not relate to this in one way or another. At the end of the day it's what it all comes down to!! You're very courageous for sharing with all of us...And I LOVE the picture:)!!
    Reply
  4. Corinne says

    August 17, 2007 at 10:26 pm

    I don't even know what to say. I love you. You made me cry! I am proud of you and I can't wait to see what you do in the future!
    Reply
  5. JoeDrinker says

    August 18, 2007 at 12:07 am

    Excellent observation. It's amazing to know what others in our lives have been through, and even though we only know them as an icon or a screen name, it just helps us connect a little more to those buzzing around us. Your mom sounds like a cool chick. Or "bee", as it were. Cheers, JD
    Reply
  6. Cara says

    August 18, 2007 at 12:18 am

    Hey thanks for the post! Your the first person outside family and friends to look at it! I love your blog I think its great!
    Reply
  7. Nicole says

    August 18, 2007 at 12:43 am

    Genie: Thanks, and the same goes to you! Erik: Thanks for the welcome home :-) Dani: Thank you. It was difficult to write this but sometimes it's even harder to keep things inside :-) Corinne: Sorry, I knew that would happen! But I did give a warning :-) JoeDrinker: Thanks. You're right, it's nice to connect to people regardless whether they live next door or across an ocean. Cara: Thanks for stopping by!
    Reply
  8. Kalyn says

    August 18, 2007 at 2:03 am

    I loved reading this, and yes, it did make me cry. Maybe I cried partly because my own mom died nine years ago and I can certainly relate to missing "the feeling I had when I was around her." I'm not sure I'll ever stop missing that. But I also cried because there were so many things here that made me nod my head and say "yes." Figuring out who you are and then just being that person, no matter what, can be pretty darn hard sometimes. And then other times it's easy. I'm a *lot* older than you are, and the only thing I know is that it's a journey, not a destination. Thanks for letting us share this part of your journey. I'm so glad we got to meet. Big hug. Kalyn
    Reply
  9. Emon says

    August 18, 2007 at 5:25 am

    My. I sat in front of the computer not knowing how to respond...for a long time. Reading this post made me realize that my own little post was only supposed to open doors to yours. Thank you for giving my post such respect and adulation. It makes me proud to be a part of this post. You perhaps are unaware how many people you inspire to be themselves and trust themselves. Be it with your writing, be it with your photography, be it the way you make others feel comfortable when they seek your help. You've helped me a lot with your suggestions, recommendations, and your support. I am grateful for that and will remain so. And most of all, I'm proud to have you as a friend.
    Reply
  10. OmegaMom says

    August 18, 2007 at 6:40 am

    Lovely post. Your mom sounds like she was a great person. It takes people a long time to bee themselves, y'know; a lot of people in their 20s are, just like you were, trying to be what others want them to be, rather than themselves. Good on ya for discovering that you're who you want to be now, rather than waiting for your 30s or 40s (or even later) to realize that what others think of you shouldn't rule your life--it's what you think of yourself.
    Reply
  11. Coleen says

    August 18, 2007 at 11:29 am

    Bravo per il suo coraggio!
    Reply
  12. Melanie says

    August 18, 2007 at 11:35 am

    Hi--You are a sweet person--I was touched by the blog--as you get older things fall more into place and you have an added vision which comes with experiences..have a lovely weekend exploring--I'm still a hippie at heart
    Reply
  13. Bob says

    August 18, 2007 at 3:07 pm

    I've been reading your blog for a while now & you never cease to amaze me with your writing & photography. My beautiful mother passed away seven years ago & I still miss her terribly. She was definetly a bumble bee in her own right. I'm glad to see that you've found your inner bee.
    Reply
  14. Meagan says

    August 18, 2007 at 4:08 pm

    You have a gift for inspiring those around you... your work(s) never cease to amaze me!! Bravo for finding the courage to be yourself in this crazy world of ours!! See ya around lil'bumblebee!!
    Reply
  15. Steph says

    August 18, 2007 at 5:41 pm

    Wow..what a blog. And I know it took some major courage to go there. Made me cry and still cry while writing. Can see the changes in you and cant wait to see more. And my new co-worker plays that Blind melon song alot--guess where it takes me back to? Times at your mom's house on days after junior college. Nicole you are one of the most strongest and independent women I know--which is also a descriptoin of your mom and why she left such an impression on all of us--your surrounding girlfriends as well. And I also have to say--that was a very therapeutic blog:) Very proud of you and see your future getting brighter.
    Reply
  16. fanny says

    August 18, 2007 at 6:45 pm

    Nicole, this is one beautiful of a post. I almost cried reading it (well, ok i did). And you just look too cute as a bumblebee! Love xxx - fanny
    Reply
  17. Ruby Berry says

    August 18, 2007 at 8:33 pm

    This made me cry, you were right. thanks
    Reply
  18. Cynthia says

    August 19, 2007 at 12:42 am

    This was moving indeed Nicole and I am sincerely happy for you that you have found your home and that you're happy and at peace with yourself. You don't know how wealthy you are just by having that. Hugs.
    Reply
  19. Katiez says

    August 19, 2007 at 7:31 pm

    I think I have a way to go to find my inner bumblebee... but you've made me think I should look a little harder. Lovely post.
    Reply
  20. Sol says

    August 19, 2007 at 9:16 pm

    you are beautiful
    Reply
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