Baby Steps

Ava Walking

Wouldn’t this have been a great photo and title for Wordless Wednesday?  It was so tempting to post nothing but a photo today, but it turns out that I have way too many words in my head and I’m exhausted from working so hard to keep them in there.  Totally and completely exhausted.

So today I am going to write.  Not about my own recipes, because I haven’t felt much like cooking, much less developing recipes, in a really long time.  I’m not going to write about my recent travels or the awesome cookbooks and kitchen products that have been showing up at my door lately.  Not about our CSA box that has been supplying us with local organic produce and eggs week after week.  Not about our summer garden that exploded and filled our lives with cucumbers, tomatoes, squash, and chiles and is now almost completely gone.  And I’m certainly not going to write about the growing compost pile where many of those vegetables ended up because I have had no desire to cook or eat them.  I’m not even going to write about the beautiful fresh Alaskan salmon that was sent to me over the summer to experiment with and has instead been taking up most of my freezer for the last couple of months.  I wish I wanted to write about those things.  I really do know how lucky I am to have a job that allows me to be creative in the kitchen and travel and test new products.  But right now, none of it means that much to me and food blogging is going to have to wait.

Instead, I’m going to write about miscarriage.  It’s the thing that I’ve been trying not to write about for a year now, although the truth is that I have wanted to write about it.  Desperately.  The thing about miscarriage is that there’s a rule that we’ve all learned that it shouldn’t be talked about with acquaintances or strangers.  That’s why you’re not supposed to share news about a pregnancy until after the first trimester – if you talk openly about a pregnancy and it ends in miscarriage, it’s impossible to keep it a secret.  While I understand the initial discomfort in having to tell people about the loss, I have found that it’s much more uncomfortable to keep it a secret and try to carry on as if your life hasn’t been ripped apart and turned upside down.  Think about how many women go through this (it’s a surprisingly large percentage) and how many of them immediately go back to work, or to the grocery store, or out with friends, enduring small talk and forcing smiles, all while trying to pretend that their world hasn’t just been turned upside down.

Because of the way we deal (or don’t deal) with miscarriage in this society, I was totally unprepared for the reality of it.  Sure, I knew all the statistics and that there was a possibility that it would happen.  I’m in my late 30’s so I also knew of the slightly increased risk due to my age.  I followed the all-important rule and kept news about the pregnancy to a small circle of family and friends and even tried to keep myself from becoming too excited about it until after the first ultrasound – an impossible task, really.  But when we went in at 10 weeks for the first ultrasound and found out that I had a blighted ovum and would be going home to wait for a miscarriage rather than to show friends and family an ultrasound photo, I was in shock.

It was a weird sort of limbo.  I wasn’t actually growing a baby anymore but my body thought I was so I had to continue to endure the pregnancy symptoms until my body figured out what was going on.  Meanwhile, my main source of information about blighted ovum was the internet, where I promptly found story after story about misdiagnosed miscarriage, which only added to the fear and confusion.  Was I still pregnant or not?  Could the doctor have been wrong?  Was the baby just hiding?  And then came the actual miscarriage stories, some of which were absolutely terrifying.  The more real information I tried to find, the more confused and alone I felt.  Meanwhile, I put up as brave a front as I could for my friends and family but was a complete basket case around Phil, who was dealing with his own fear and confusion while being leaned on for support by a crazy woman and getting absolutely no support of his own.  And it was another two weeks before the actual miscarriage started.

I’ve been almost all the way through the first trimester of pregnancy three times in the past year and endured three miscarriages.  If you’ve heard of a pregnancy symptom, I’ve probably experienced it.  A lot.  With each pregnancy and each miscarriage I wanted to talk about my experiences and each time I kept quiet for fear of making other people uncomfortable.  The last two pregnancies were different than the first –  in fact we saw and heard heart beats both times.  But each time, the baby wasn’t growing on schedule and the heart beat eventually stopped.  And each time, we knew about the impending miscarriage before it happened and had to wait for it.  After the second one, my relationship with Phil was on the brink of collapse and I was so mired in depression I didn’t even know I was depressed.  I didn’t know anything.  Nothing felt good, nothing made sense, I couldn’t work, and I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone why.  I was convinced that everyone was judging me as a failure and/or a flake because I couldn’t keep up this blog, couldn’t keep up the house, couldn’t return emails or answer the phone, couldn’t complete freelance assignments.  It was an accomplishment to get out of bed at all.  I was so buried under feelings of shame and inadequacy for not being able to get anything done that I couldn’t even recognize that I had been through some serious trauma and needed and deserved a break and some compassion.  Luckily for me, things finally got so bad that a family member saw that I needed help and pushed me into therapy.  It saved my relationship and it slowly brought me back to life.

Another thing that has kept me going is the joy of being around the new babies in our family.  I was there for the birth of my baby cousin Ava a couple of months after my first miscarriage.  Being there was a life-changing experience and watching her grow from an infant to the active 10-month-old she is today really has been magical.  We lost my Uncle Jim, Ava’s grandpa, a few years ago and when Ava was born with Jim’s bright red curly hair, we were all in tears for more reasons than one.  My other adorable baby cousin Reagan just turned one and is running all over the place smiling, while the newest kid on the block is 4-month-old Vivian, with big eyes and the cutest chubby cheeks and dimples.  Being here to watch my cousins start and grow their families and getting to see these little ones grow up makes me so grateful that I chose to move back home.

Smiling Ava

Our first miscarriage started exactly one year ago today and I am currently recovering from the third, which happened last month.  By recovering, I mean I’m waiting for the last of the pregnancy hormones to disappear and for the cycling of mood swings, exhaustion, and depression to let up.  I’m mostly there.  My energy has returned and I’m waiting to hear the results from my last blood test (which I’ve had to do weekly since the miscarriage) to find out if the pregnancy hormones are finally completely gone.  If so, that means I should start feeling somewhat back to “normal” in a few weeks.  I’m not going to say that it gets easier, because this last pregnancy was probably the most stressful of the three and when it ended, we felt the loss as intensely as we did the first two times.  But having been through this twice before, I now have confidence that my body knows what it’s doing and the fear is lessened.  With the help of therapy, Phil and I are now armed with the knowledge of how and why we grieve differently and we have learned how to support each other and most importantly how to support ourselves through the healing process.  Now it feels like our relationship is strengthened by loss rather than strained.

At this point, the doctors don’t know why I keep miscarrying.  I’ve had more blood drawn than I even knew was possible and we’ve been through genetic counseling.  We each have to go through one more test before we’re given the green light to try again.  As crazy as it seems, it’s not completely unusual to have 3 or 4 unexplained miscarriages in a row and then go on to have a healthy pregnancy.  So, we haven’t given up hope – not even close.  We are both healthy and obviously have no problem getting pregnant, and that alone is reason to be hopeful.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that I am strong enough to get through it.  Whatever happens, we’ll get through it.

For now, we’ve decided to give ourselves a little break from trying to start a family and focus on planning a wedding.  We have been engaged for almost two years now and though it might seem as if we’re doing things backwards, we have our reasons for this crazy timeline.  We were actually never planning on throwing a big wedding at all, but something about going through this last loss together changed the way we felt about having a big celebration.  We’re going for it!  I even bought a dress.

So why am I telling you all of this?  For one thing, I do plan on talking about my next pregnancy from the beginning – on here, on social media, in real life.  Early pregnancy is a crazy, exhausting, horrible, exhilarating time and any pregnancies for me in the future will also be stressful and terrifying due to the previous miscarriages.  I need an outlet to vent and I need support.  Also, I obviously love talking about food and when pregnancy happens, it changes my relationship to food so profoundly that if I can’t write about it here, then I’ll probably end up neglecting the blog again completely.  I’d love to be able to talk about what it’s like to be a food blogger when I can’t go near the kitchen because I can smell an unopened head of garlic all the way in the living room and sometimes the only thing that sounds remotely good is a basket of fried pickles, which I then discover I don’t even want after eating three of them.

Writing this post frees me up to talk about what’s really going on in my life, which is essential if I’m going to continue writing here.  And I’d really like to continue writing here.

I also hope that reading about my experiences will help other women who are dealing with pregnancy loss.  No pregnancy and no miscarriage is the same, but knowing that someone has been through a similar situation and survived is a powerful thing.  I have spent countless hours on miscarriage support boards reading through stories and drawing strength from women who have been through this.  But even though miscarriage support boards exist and flourish online, there is still very little information given to women leaving doctor’s offices, hospitals, and ER rooms about how their bodies will react to miscarriage, much less what the grieving process will be like.  There is very little information about what men go through after a pregnancy loss and even less information about how miscarriage affects relationships.  We need to talk about this more.

My hope is that someday couples going through miscarriage will be met with a large support network and real information about what to expect and how to cope.  I also wish for people to feel empowered to ask for time and space to grieve as necessary.  Miscarriage is a real loss and needs to be treated as such in order for couples to truly heal.  If anyone out there needs to vent, please feel free to email me.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll respond to every message – I still have trouble staying on top of things like email, I’m still going through this.  But I will read them and I will understand.  Just know that you will get through this.  Show yourself kindness and compassion.  Take small steps.  Baby steps.

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96 Comments
  1. Indigojody

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    8:51 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  2. Kate

    Thank you. This is beautiful. I’ve been there. I’ve learned to move on and change my dreams. I hope you find peace and happiness whatever happens in your life with Phil. From what I hear from my real-life friends who know you (Meridith and Jared), you’re pretty damn cool and can do just about anything. Hugs.

    9:00 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  3. Brandy

    I just wanted to say that I too just had a miscarriage about 5 weeks ago so I understand how brave it was for you to write this. Sending some love your way!

    9:12 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  4. Kristin

    My heart goes out to you that you’ve had to endure these hardships. My sister had two miscarriages last year, during a time when I was pregnant with my daughter. We found out, yet again, how important family and friends are and how much we all need each other. After doing extensive blood tests she discovered that we have a particular Vitamin B deficiency that requires a special type of Vitamin B to be taken so that it can be absorbed. Apparently it runs through our family and affects more than just my sister. But, after taking this particular Vitamin B my sister is now pregnant again and due with my nephew early next month! My prayers are with you. You are truly a resiliant woman.

    9:26 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  5. Sheila Torres

    Heartbreaking piece! But, you’ve got a beautiful baby!

    9:53 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  6. Kristen

    I’m up to miscarriage #4 now. The first one was hard b/c I wasn’t expecting it. The second two I was more ready for. This last one seemed like a giant cosmic joke b/c everything was going so much better than it ever had before for the first 8 weeks, then came crashing down again at about 12 weeks.

    It’s an awful thing. They removed a large septum from my uterus after my third miscarriage, so I thought the problem was “fixed” but then I had another. I’m only 30, so I have time, but it makes you wonder how many of these you can withstand before you just cry uncle and stop trying.

    My heart goes out to you. It does help to talk about it. There are some good blogs out there about recurrent miscarraige, which was helpful for me.

    I will pray for you that you will have a successful pregnancy in the near future, and that you will be able to move on with your life after this most recent one. Kuddos to you for talking about it, it’s not easy:)

    10:05 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  7. Alicia @ Weekly Greens

    Oh, Nicole. My heart is breaking for you. I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve suffered two miscarriages of my own – each painful and debilitating in their own different ways. I am grateful to be mom to two healthy and beautiful boys. This is going to happen for you. I feel that. Take good care of yourself, be gentle on yourself and find joy where you can. I give you huge credit for talking about it so openly and so honestly. That takes all kinds of courage. Sending you my very best wishes.

    10:43 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  8. bjahlstrom

    My heart goes out to you!!!

    10:48 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  9. Vickie

    I hope you have the wedding of your dreams, and a happily ever after, which you so richly deserve.

    11:26 am  Sep 25th, 2013
  10. Elise

    Oh Nicole, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure this. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve had so many friends suffer through miscarriages, some multiple, it was just overwhelmingly sad for them. May you continue to heal. Much love.

    1:12 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  11. Wendy

    While I will never experience what you’ve had to live through, (I’m infertile), I admire your bravery and honesty about your miscarriages. May your wedding be a joyous one and someday be followed by a healthy happy child/children.

    1:35 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  12. Jennifer | Bake or Break

    Nicole, I’m so sorry for what you and Phil have been going through. Focus on the wedding and let things fall into place. Many prayers, positive thoughts, and virtual hugs coming your way!

    1:44 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  13. Alyssa (Everyday Maven)

    Nicole, Thank you for having the courage to share what you have been going through. I am sure it wasn’t easy but it’s real and hopefully will also allow you to start healing by not holding it all in. You are an awesome person and I’m glad we had a little mini-vaca last week in AZ together! xoxo

    3:03 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  14. Hydrangea

    I can’t imagine how hard this past year has been for you. Prayers and wishes for peace of mind and strength of spirit.

    4:05 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  15. Jane

    Nicole, I stumbled upon your blog today while searching for a recipe and was riveted by your writing. What a year you have had. I went through one miscarriage years ago and can relate your grieving. Focusing on a wedding sounds like a good thing right now. Best wishes for a happy wedding and I will be back to read your blog again, to be sure.

    7:06 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  16. Debbie D

    Thank you for your bravery in telling your story. You are incredible. Thank you again for sharing. <3

    7:25 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  17. Kim L

    I am so sorry for your losses! I think you are incredibly brave to write so honestly about your experience. It’s such a personal thing – that sadly too many families have to endure. Reading this will change how I interact with people suffering through this in the future. I pray you heal fully and completely and that you have a blessed life as a couple.

    7:45 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  18. Kate | Food Babbles

    I admire your bravery and this very honest post. I have been in your shoes. I now have 3 healthy wonderful daughters but the road to having those children was a difficult one and I had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy along the way. It’s such a devastating and heartbreaking experience each time. It makes it so difficult to then enjoy a healthy pregnancy because I found myself fearing a miscarriage every second of every pregnancy. I do hope that when you do become pregnant again that it will be a healthy and happy one. My heart aches for you and all that you’ve endured already.

    7:50 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  19. kriswithmany

    My grandma gave birth to a stillborn, and it was so taboo to talk about it that when my parents tried to name my sister after baby Sharon, they got the name wrong. There was no burial, no funeral. My grandma was expected to carry on like she never happened. Attitudes have changed somewhat since then, but there is still such a long way to go.

    8:21 pm  Sep 25th, 2013
  20. Tandy | Lavender and Lime

    having watched my aunt go through this very same thing numerous times I can only pray you have someone who can hold your hand and just be there for you! It is exhausting and grieving is healthy. Many blessings Tandy

    1:04 am  Sep 26th, 2013
  21. Sofia @ Something On Everything

    Hi Nicole, I’m so sorry you and Phil had to go through this. I had tears in my eyes when I read your post. But I hope you know you have a great support system on your “webbie” friends. We’re here for you. And will always be. 🙂

    And now, we’re excited for your upcoming wedding! Uuuuhhhh just to imagine the amazing pictures we’ll see! 😉

    Thank you for trusting us enough to share your story. =)

    We’re here for you. 🙂

    8:38 am  Sep 26th, 2013
  22. Kris

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s important to acknowledge these experiences. I enjoy your blog and I’m so sorry you have to endure this. I know other peoples’ stories aren’t always the answer, but if this can offer you any hope I thought I’d share it. My sister suffered through 4 miscarriages and failed in-vitro fertilization over the course of several years. It was devastating for her and her husband, but she then went on to have two natural, totally uncomplicated, healthy pregnancies at age 32 and 35.

    9:19 am  Sep 26th, 2013
  23. Carrie

    First off let me say you are by far my favorite food blogger!!! VERY GIFTED!!!! And I have often wondered what was going on… I thought mabye I got bumped off your list? Knowing now what you have been enduring makes food seem petty! I was crying as I read your story. I also have shared your pain. I always felt very sorry for people that have gone through miscarrage but didnt understand the depth of pain until I had 2 live births & then 2 miscarriages, the loss is so deep! You should take all the time you need without feeling one ounce of guitl! I will be praying for often! Blessings sent you way!

    9:23 am  Sep 26th, 2013
  24. Jessica

    What a fantastic post. I’m not nearly ready to decide to start growing our family, in fact I’m newly engaged and probably headed towards the long engagement period you’ve just described. But I’m definitely of the appropriate age and experience to know exactly what you mean by describing the silence around miscarriage, and the weird “waiting period” when you’re first pregnant. Thanks for putting it all out there, and making those roads a little less bumpy for those who have yet to travel them.

    11:51 am  Sep 26th, 2013
  25. Kiran @ KiranTarun.com

    There’s so many of us who can relate to what you’ve gone through. Know that you are not alone in this struggle and that prayers heals. Sending you tons of hugs and positivity which is so much needed. Hang in there my friend. xoxoxo

    11:52 am  Sep 26th, 2013
  26. Elizabeth

    Thank you so much for sharing your story.

    8:19 am  Sep 27th, 2013
  27. Julie {Bananas for Bourbon}

    Nicole, thank you so much for sharing your story. I too don’t know why as a society talking about early pregnancy is considered “jinxing” it. It really just creates this lonely, oppressed feeling that is unnecessary to so many. Some people are just private, and I completely respect that. But other people find so much comfort from those around them, and we don’t know to give it when we don’t know there’s a problem. So thank you for showing the other side of the coin.

    My story is so different from yours, and yet I instantly related. I’m 34 weeks pregnant now, but it was a long road to get here. One that ended up involving IVF. I went off birth control the very beginning of 2012 and never got a period. The doctor did blood tests, prescribed hormones, and nothing worked. All the tests said my body should be working fine, but it just wasn’t. It was obviously a hormonal issue, so I sought an endocrinologist. And of course the only fertility endocrinologists around are fertility specialists. I resisted going for months because I thought “I’m not one of those people. I’m not infertile. I don’t need an invasive procedure to have a baby.” I was wrong. I got over myself and went to one. And she was amazing! My issue was by no means common, but the way she approached diagnosing it was so rational and smart. She figured out the problem, gave me some options on how to deal with it, and sent me on my way. I wasn’t able to fix it on my own like I was hoping, and by then I was really ready for a baby, so we did IVF. And thankfully it was successful on the first try.

    Through this whole process, even though I had a really hard time with it, I was very open about it. I told people I was having hormone issues. I told them what I was doing to try and fix it. And I told them I was doing IVF. And out of the woodwork came a shocking number of women telling me privately that they were having fertility issues and didn’t know what to do. I refered my amazing doctor to at least 3 women. My co-worker even told me she had gone through a miscarriage just a few months before and was so broken up over it, but she hadn’t told anyone outside their immediate family. I was so touched she would share it with me. Because while we went through very different kinds of hardship, it was still hardship!

    People were shocked at how open I was. My in-laws actually tried to change the subject when we tried telling them about our fertility issues. As if it were something to be embarrassed about. I’m not embarrassed, or less of a woman. I’m just a little defective. Everyone is a little defective in some way. Unless anyone wants to claim they’re perfect. And the same goes for you! I had trouble getting pregnant. You’re having trouble staying pregnant. Such a wildly different emotional journey. I want to give you three big hugs! I know your post will have touched a lot of people because it touched me and I’m a tree in a forest. So thanks again to so eloquantly putting pen to paper (finger to keyboard?). You have the right attitude. Loss is never going to not be hard, but this will happen for you! You are going to make amazing parents and I hope you get to experience it soon!

    5:06 pm  Sep 27th, 2013
  28. koko

    Thank you so much for sharing. Having suffered a miscarriage my self, I feel your loss. Although mine was many, many years ago, I remember it as if it was yesterday.
    I’m keeping you in my prayers and I wish you and Phil a life of happiness.

    7:21 am  Sep 28th, 2013
  29. Leah

    Thank you so much for your honesty and thoughts. Your candor is so refreshing. Hang in there! You have lots of support here.

    8:39 am  Sep 28th, 2013
  30. Diane Rocha

    Nicole, I am so sorry you have to endure this loss, but I am so glad you wrote about it. Yes, it will help someone who has also had to suffer the terrible loss of miscarriage, but it is also so healing for you. Even though I barely know you, I know you through your writing, and I know that you are strong and that you will not merely survive this, you will be stronger for it. And good for you and Phil for not giving up. I just know that before long, you will know the joys of parenthood. Stay strong, my friend. In the meantime, make some bread! : )

    10:05 am  Sep 28th, 2013
  31. Daphne Steinberg

    Namaste Nicole,
    I don’t want you to think for the first minute that I’m trying to sell you something nor do I want you to think I’m preaching here….
    After suffering FOUR miscarriages a gal pal of mine from college wrote a book intended to provide solace to those experiencing similar losses. Kathy is devoutly Christian, so her book takes a Christian approach from what I understand (I haven’t read it). Just in case it might help, here’s the link to more info about the book: http://www.amazon.com/Angels-In-Heart-Kathleen-Olowin/dp/0982498292.
    Wishing you peace and strength.

    10:53 am  Sep 29th, 2013
  32. kelly

    Ah, Nicole. I had a sense of something from reading some of your posts on FB over time and had you in my thoughts along the way, hoping for a sign of good news. I applaud that you have finally written this and hope that it has helped you. I suppose my family is of the backward variety, but we rarely, if ever, hold much back. Hearts on our sleeves, we just put what we feel out there, and I will always encourage others to do the same thing. I’m glad you’ve bought your dress and are looking forward to what comes next. Sending you big hugs and hoping that someday, maybe I’ll be able to do that in person. Best to you, always.

    5:22 pm  Sep 29th, 2013
  33. Suzanne

    Nicole,
    A beautiful, sorrowful rumination on joy, grief, loss and renewal. My very best wishes to you and your beloved as you move on with your life together.

    10:29 pm  Sep 29th, 2013
  34. Charlotte

    Thank you for sharing. I had a blighted ovum between my 2nd and 3rd child and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. The worst part was when friends and family would say, “well at least there wasn’t an actual baby.” I wanted to shout “TO ME THERE WAS A BABY!” It didn’t matter to me, I was planning and excited for what I thought was a baby. It was so difficult. Prayers to you!

    8:17 pm  Sep 30th, 2013
  35. experimental cook

    I am sorry to hear this. I have 2 miscarriages in the 2nd trimester possibly due to a incompetent cervix. Baby #3 made it but only after 32 weeks of complete bed rest, jabs, diabetes and hypertension. In the meanwhile, I lost my job and ended up with a long hospital bill. I used to make my baby cry when she was sleeping just to make sure she was OK, that’s how fearful I was.
    No matter how, the sadness will not go away immediately but it will get easier with time. It’s been 15 years and I am still on the road to recovery.I believe you will too – please take care!

    8:53 pm  Sep 30th, 2013
  36. Rochelle

    Thank you for sharing your story. I still remember my miscarriage in the 1st trimester. I was going to work in NYC with my husband. I had my miscarriage in Grand Central Station.

    Sometimes meaningful people come out with cruel or not thinking sentences. Your ignore those sentences and go on with your life. After my loss I just could not sit at home and watch those baby commercials. I went back to work.

    It took us a very long time for me to get pregnant. I have endometriosis and my husband had a low sperm count. When I finally became pregnant I was 33 yrs. old and I was soooo happy that I was going to have a baby. Then I had the miscarriage. The only consolation was that I did get pregnant and my doctor said wait (certain period of time) and try again. Don’t wait too long because endometriosis will come back. Well I became pregnant and had a baby. I was almost 35 yrs. old. My baby is 30 years old now.

    You don’t forget the experience of a miscarriage, however, it does get a little easier as time goes by.

    Don’t give up.

    My prayers are with you.

    12:08 pm  Oct 1st, 2013
  37. Kelly

    Last week, I had the last of my weekly blood tests after I miscarried. Some days I am washed over with overwhelming sadness and grief and some days I am fine. I wish more people talked the way you do. When I blogged about my experience, the women that came out and shared their stories was astonishing. I wish you love and strength and hope!

    2:31 pm  Oct 1st, 2013
  38. Catherine @ Rabbit Food For My Bunny Teeth

    Nicole, you are such a strong, beautiful woman! I truly admire your honesty and vulnerability to share your story of loss and strength with us. You are helping so many women out there! I’m so happy that I met you at the Medjool Summit, you are such an inspiration and role model to anyone going through hard times! xoxo

    12:17 am  Oct 2nd, 2013
  39. Maggie

    I am so sorry for your losses. Have you been tested for lupus? Recurrent miscarriages is a symptom and for some women is one of the first symptoms they notice.

    7:47 pm  Oct 2nd, 2013
  40. Fiona

    You’re such an inspiration to women all over the world. I’m writing this from Ireland and miscarriage is not really spoken about here either. I agree that it makes it more difficult to get over a miscarriage when you can’t speak openly about your loss. Thanks for having the courage to share with us. Fiona

    8:41 am  Oct 3rd, 2013
  41. robi mayes

    thanks so much for sharing….my daughter is going through the same thing…..i now have something to show her that she is not alone.

    6:04 pm  Oct 12th, 2013
  42. Lisa @ Je suis alimentageuse

    It takes a lot of courage to share to strangers something so personal and intimate about your life. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best in recovery and in your future <3

    4:30 pm  Oct 14th, 2013
  43. Danielle

    I am so happy you wrote this. Touched my heart and I can’t wait to read your stories of pregnancy, emotions, and loss. I am currently trying to get pregnant and I can’t wait to follow your journey. Thank you for being brave to write this.

    8:19 am  Oct 18th, 2013
  44. Nicole

    As someone who knows how hurtful it is to carry the secret around I commend you. It’s a very hard thing to start talking about but very freeing once you are finally ready and able to.
    I’d experienced one prior to having, and one after having had my daughter.

    I send you love and hope xoxo

    2:01 am  Nov 3rd, 2013
  45. Ruth

    I’ve read and loved your blog for a long time. Just want to say how sorry I am that you’ve gone through this, and send good wishes for the next try.

    12:28 pm  Nov 4th, 2013
  46. AmyKuras

    I am not a regular reader but love your potato leek soup recipe–I just clicked on the bookmark because I am making it this week and thought I’d read some new posts. I am so sorry for your losses. My particular variety of suck was inability to get pregnant, but I finally did, twice. RESOLVE (the infertility association) was very helpful to me during those awful years. I hope you get your longed-for baby sooner than you can even imagine.

    11:16 am  Dec 27th, 2013
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